There She Goes

I made it up to Artie’s office for a mid-afternoon meeting, and walking up to the building I was reminded of a time he took me out for a beer. It felt like a long time ago. The day Ziggy had told me about the deal with the devil. I wondered if I would have turned Artie’s invitation down if I had been trying not to drink? And would that have been a mistake? Figuring out how alcohol consumption and my career prospects fit together was a puzzle I’d have to work on another day, though. Today had other challenges.

Artie met me by reception and we shook hands as usual. No, not as usual, I extended the left and without missing a beat he shook with his left. Before he could make a joke about the accident or the flu or anything else I opened with one of my own, “So when are you going to sign my latest pet project, Artie?”

To my surprise instead of ruffling my hair he rocked back a bit and said, “Working on it,” before moving on to other topics. “Remo arrived just a bit ago. We’re in the conference room on eight.”

We took the elevator to the eighth floor and I can’t honestly remember what business we conducted. Signed some stuff, met some reps, that sort of thing? That was all blown away by what sticks in my mind, which was running into Mel by the restroom. She was standing there by the door, doing the baby hop with that extra wiggle that meant she really had to pee. She looked up hopefully for a second–the oh-good-here-comes-someone look–then realized it was me, panicked, and literally hid her face in shame by turning away from me, turning to the wall.

When did I get so good at reading people? Maybe Mel’s emotions were just that raw and obvious.

I knew when my emotions were like that the last thing I could stand was people rubbing my face in them. So I tried to be nice, you know? The whole “act like nothing happened” thing. Much as I hated being stonewalled by Digger or sweeping toxic stuff under the rug, I knew there were times when you had to employ it just to get moving forward at all.

“You want me to hold him while you run in there?” I said. “I’ve still got one arm that works.”

She turned back toward me, eyes a little red and teary, and had a little battle with herself before the “hand Daron the baby” side won. “Okay. Okay. Just…be careful.”

We both started laughing at that. Because those two words–be careful–after everything that had happened, were just so…beyond anything. I took Ford and sat in a chair in case he got wiggly and kept a grip on his little shirt with my hand so even if he did wiggle he still couldn’t go anywhere. Mel ran into the bathroom.

When she came out she looked sheepish. Ford was playing with my nose and ears like I was a Mr. Potato Head and he expected if he pulled hard enough they might come off.

Before she took him back she folded her hands and shifted from foot to foot. “I am so sorry,” she said, in her Southern lilt that put the emphasis on the word “so.” “I lost my head. I…” She sucked in a breath and looked upward like she that would keep the tears from leaking out of her eyes. It didn’t work.

She gestured to take Ford back. I stood up to hand him over and as I did she started to sob. “It’s.” That was the only word she could get out before she had to gulp air and swallow. “So hard.”

“Mel–”

Her words came out in a rush then: “I don’t know what to say anymore, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to think!” And then more waterworks. This time Ford started crying, too.

That was when Remo came looking for us. And looked at me, and looked at his crying wife, and looked back at me. “What the hell is going on out here?”

“Oh, now don’t you start,” I said in exasperation. I was so tired of people jumping to the wrong fucking conclusions. “This is between Mel and me.”

“What’s between Mel and you?” He advanced with that angry-papa look on his face. “Anything that concerns you and Mel concerns me.”

“Don’t you pull that patriarch-of-the-family bullshit on me, Remo Cutler.” I didn’t raise my voice; I lowered it. “Mel and I are talking about what happened.”

“Well, and what happened also concerns me, given what happened to you,” Remo said. “I’m still not clear on exactly what went on but you kept Ford out of ttrouble, as I understand it. At risk to yourself.”

“Is that what Carynne said?”

“It’s what Melissa here said.”

“Ah, nice to know that’s what you think of it now,” I told her. “Since at the time you acted like I was an axe murderer.”

“That’s why I’m trying to apologize,” she said, fresh tears pouring down her face. Remo took Ford then and commenced the baby hop: Ford, at least, stopped crying then. “I told you. I was out of my head, half-asleep, didn’t know the situation other than my baby was in danger.”

“You don’t have to apologize for any of those things,” I said.

“You’re right. Because none of them are an excuse for what I said. I don’t know what came over me. I really don’t.” She dabbed her eyes on the sleeve of her sweater. “I swear I have nothing against you, Daron.”

Remo jumped back in, the dumbass. “Mel, what the hell did you say?”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said.

“It does,” she insisted. “I want to tell you, to convince you, that wasn’t me talking. I have nothing against gay people–”

“Mel, what the hell did you say!”

Okay, if he wasn’t going to leave it alone, maybe it was my turn to ask him some questions. “Maybe I should ask you what the hell you told Mel about me.”

“What do you mean?”

Mel knew what I was talking about though. “Oh god, Daron, I was just talking trash. I didn’t mean anything by it. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I’m not hurt. None of those words meant anything to me, Mel. But I really wondered what you were thinking.”

“I wasn’t. I saw blood everywhere and freaked out. I regretted it right away. Especially when I figured out where the knife was–” She was still crying but at least could get the words out, until she started hiccup sobbing again.

Remo made eye contact and the next thing I knew he was handing me Ford and putting his arms around his wife to console her. He rocked her to soothe her, her face against his chest. I found myself doing the baby hop, dammit.

I looked at him over her slumped shoulders. “What did you tell her about you and Claire?”

“Nothing I haven’t told you,” he said.

“Because last I heard emotional infidelity doesn’t lead to conception.”

“You know if you were my son I wouldn’t do anything differently.”

Mel thumped him on the chest with her fist. “You wish he was yours!”

“Waitasec,” I said, “Was making me Ford’s godfather a way to make me officially part of the family?”

“You are officially part of this goddamned family anyway,” Remo said, sounding frustrated. “I don’t give a damn about blood. You always have been and you always will be and that’s just the way it is.”

Mel had a fistful of his flannel shirt and she shook it. “That’s what I’m talking about, though. When are you going to stop taking in strays and take care of your real family?”

“Taking in strays–!” Remo recoiled even though he kept his arms around her.

“I’ve been trying to tell you, Remo Cutler, if you want to be be a good father to this child you have to stop trying to be a father to everyone else you meet.”

“I am not trying to–”

“You picked Martin out of the gutter, took Daron in when his home life was hell, got Karen,” she meant Carynne, “out of her mother’s clutches, gave Cray his big break, nursed Louis through his divorce–”

“I try to help those in need. That doesn’t mean I want to be their father figure.”

I was inclined to agree. I never got any kind of paternalistic vibe between Remo and Louis…especially since I’m pretty sure Louis was older than he was. This was the first time I’d heard about Remo helping Martin and Carynne, though. But there was no escaping the fact that he was unmistakably a father figure for me, which I think was maybe closer to the heart of the matter for Mel. Maybe.

Remo, though, was still stuck on the other thing. “But what were you saying about not liking gay people?”

“I like gay people just fine! That’s why I’m apologizing!”

“For what?” he pressed. He kind of tightened his grip on her when he said it.

I didn’t like that. It felt like he was pushing. I didn’t feel he had a right to, I guess. “For nothing,” I said, feeling ridiculous since I was babyhopping while saying it. “For nothing that’s any of your business. Mel, it’s okay. Apology accepted.”

A fresh round of tears sprang up. “I know I wasn’t raised right. That’s hard. And this baby, and everything, it’s hard.

“I know.” I patted Ford on the back and then she let go of Remo and reached toward me and I thought she wanted the baby back. But actually she was pulling me and him into a hug. And Remo kept his arms around her, too, and so we had a literal Group Hug.

And then Ford started to cry again. I think he was as confused as I was.


(Did you listen to Meg’s new song yet? It posted yesterday! -ctan)

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Comments 6

  1. G wrote:

    I’m sorry. I’m still giving Mel the side-lipped purse of the mouth. Maybe I’m just unforgiving and horrible, but I can’t help but feel like her angst is still about her. She’s just sorry she let loose. Again, I’m maybe just a little hard-hearted. But it’s easier to move along, as you said, Daron. So I will just accept that I don’t like her at all and also accept that she’ll be around. She has a lot of jealousy in her, I see. And I understand it can be hard if your partner is being pulled in multiple directions. I guess it will do her good when Nomad is on hiatus; she can maybe have Remo to herself. I’ll read everyone else’s comments and maybe find my heart somewhere in one of them.

    [Reply]

    daron Reply:

    You don’t have to like her. It’s OK. But she’s my godson’s mom and my oldest friend’s wife, so I’m going to try to cut her some slack.

    [Reply]

    Posted 22 Sep 2016 at 11:55 am
  2. Janie Friedman wrote:

    Whew! So she’s just jealous of everyone Remo cares about and wants to know she and Ford come first. That’s actually…understandable. And you were right, D, when you said she was just reflecting her upbringing in a moment of stress. I still think she needs to find different words/ways to express that, though.

    [Reply]

    daron Reply:

    I think that’s the heart of it, really. She feels like second fiddle, sometimes to her own child even–remember the comment she made to Remo about him wanting to be Ford’s dad more than he wanted to be her husband? I can’t imagine the kind of insecurity I’d have about a relationship if I thought the only reason he would find me relationship material was because of a third person, even if that person is a baby. You know?

    [Reply]

    Posted 22 Sep 2016 at 12:40 pm
  3. Mark Treble wrote:

    Mel is talking about “taking in strays” with Daron present. That is a relic of the Old South – talking about your “inferiors” with them present. Yes, it occurs in other parts of the country.

    She’s jealous, she considers Daron her inferior (I doubt it’s necessary for him to be gay for her to feel that way), her home environment was toxic. She’s still a social bully by choice.

    I roomed with Bruce, a fraternity brother, his freshman year. He was then a member of the Junior KKK (hardly unusual for Southern Maryland in the 1960s). Two years later he sponsored our chapter’s first black member. He made a new choice.

    [Reply]

    daron Reply:

    You know what, though? You’re right she’s trying to lump me in with the rest, but I think it’s because she fears she’s one of those strays, too. That’s a piece of the insecurity. She’s worried she’s just another someone that Remo lent a helping hand to, that he married her as charity and not because he really loved her. Which in her position would drive me pretty bonkers I bet.

    [Reply]

    Posted 22 Sep 2016 at 2:16 pm
  4. s wrote:

    Oh, Mel. I think she genuinely feels bad about what she said. I question if she feels bad about the *thoughts* behind the words, though. I hope that she does, because that’s where real growth and change comes from. You first have to realize there is a problem before you can do something about it.

    Jealousy + rock star lifestyle = disaster
    I wish them luck. They will need it.

    Daron, the baby hop is inevitable. Don’t try to fight it, that only makes it worse. ;)

    [Reply]

    G Reply:

    I seriously believe the baby hop is part of human DNA. Totally a natural instinct.

    [Reply]

    daron Reply:

    I successfully resisted it for a while but it’s contagious.

    Yeah, they are going to need more than luck. They need therapy and fast.

    [Reply]

    Posted 22 Sep 2016 at 3:34 pm
  5. chris wrote:

    i don’t think Remo even knows this woman he married and fathered a child with. He’s in for a shock when he is off the road for awhile and starts to experience a day to day family/spouse situation with her. The question will be how much will he be willing to put up with for Ford?
    All the things Mel complained about Remo are exactly the things that make him a good father.

    [Reply]

    G Reply:

    “All the things Mel complained about Remo are exactly the things that make him a good father.” This. I think that’s why I’m having such a hard time with her. Among other things.

    [Reply]

    marktreble Reply:

    I have to agree with chris. Remo has a nurturing personality, which not only makes him a good father but was almost certainly part of what attracted Mel to him. Every personality trait that is a positive has some downside, and that’s the side on which Mel seems to be focused. If, a year after Ford’s birth, she’s still focused on that side, their relationship will likely need a great deal of effort.

    Remo’s domestication is, in my opinion, not going to be any more successful than Daron’s was with Jonathan. Both of them will be in shock,.

    [Reply]

    daron Reply:

    I think there’s a part of Remo that likes the whole Dad image though. But I agree. Domestication isn’t for everyone.

    [Reply]

    daron Reply:

    I think you’re right. He wasn’t planning on marrying her until he found out she was pregnant and then he swept her off her feet. I wonder if that therapist I saw in LA does couples counseling.

    [Reply]

    Posted 22 Sep 2016 at 3:34 pm
  6. Stacey wrote:

    OH, that was actually kind of sweet. And to be honest – I don’t know how many of the rest of you have had a baby? – but it can really, really mess with your head and your emotions, and you’re often pretty stupid and emotional for a year or two afterward. I mean, I literally have no idea how I’m still married after the first year as a mother.
    Mel is trying, and that’s enough for me. I really liked this chapter.

    [Reply]

    daron Reply:

    I didn’t want to make her cry but she cried all on her own. She’s really got a lot going on that has nothing to do with me and I hope once that stuff gets resolved (hoping it will, anyway) we can try to relate to each other as human beings and not some kind of rivals.

    [Reply]

    Posted 23 Sep 2016 at 10:08 am

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