690. How Much Is Enough

Okay. Here’s something that happened in New York that wasn’t a meeting.

That night, after we’d eaten, and danced, and drank, and fucked, we were lying side by side in Ziggy’s living room bed, listening to the ambient rumble of wee-hours New York, and he said, “Couple of years ago?”

“Mh-hm?” I thought he was starting to ask a question.

He wasn’t. “You said you had that dream a couple of years ago.”

Oh. He meant the album cover vision. “Or vision. I don’t think I was asleep.” I rubbed my eyes and looked at the ceiling. “I’m sure I’m not prophetic or anything if that’s what you’re worried about.”

He propped himself on one elbow. The muscles in his arms were still trim but now well defined by dance training. “That’s not what I’m worried about.”

“Don’t invite me to meetings if you don’t want me to have so much input into–”

“That’s not what I’m worried about either!”

“I–”

“Daron, shut up for just a second, would you?”

Oh. When I’ve been drinking and also when I’ve just had sex are two times I tend to open up, and it’s like I almost forget how to hold stuff in for a little while. I took his other hand and kissed it and then put his index finger against my lips to keep me quiet.

He tried to smile, failed. “What I’m saying is, you saw this coming. I mean…I don’t mean it in a prophetic way. I mean, you’ve been worrying about me…going solo…since when, exactly?” He let his finger slip down to my chest so I could answer.

“Since our first gig?” I guessed. “Probably earlier, though. Since our first rehearsal.”

He blinked. “You mean, you always worried about me taking off?”

I nodded seriously.

“Always.”

I nodded again.

He fell back with a thump onto his pillow. “You never thought I was going to stay with you.”

“No!” Okay, how to explain that me always being worried wasn’t the same as me never thinking we could last? Those two things were not the same. “It wasn’t because I thought you were…going to scheme to move on.” My voice sounded distant, the echo back from the ceiling seeming far away. “But you’re a talented singer and a frontman personality and that’s too often what happens. A solo artist is easier to manage, easier to market, and the band gets kicked to the curb. You’ve heard my rant about Morrissey and Lou Gramm and Natalie Merchant and Ozzy fucking Osbourne for chrissakes…”

His hand landing lightly on my chest quieted me. “You were afraid it was going to happen.”

“Very. The fact that I was in love with you made me fear it even more.”

“Even when you weren’t in love with me.”

Drinking and sex and his honesty kept my tongue well-lubricated. The following admission rolled easily off it: “I think the times I convinced myself I wasn’t in love with you, I feared it most of all.”

He tucked himself against me then, and pulled a sheet over us. “I think it’s starting to sink in,” he said. He didn’t say exactly what “it” was, but if I had to guess I’d say he meant why I reacted so extremely negatively to him signing the solo deal without talking to me first. Amazingly, thinking about it didn’t make me re-experience the anger this time. I was able to look at how angry I had been, and remember it, without feeling it anew. There had been a little of that feeling in LA but now it really was like looking at something in the rearview mirror. Feelings in mirror may be smaller than they appear.

“What tattoo should I get next?” he murmured idly, after we had been lying quietly for a while and I had been petting his hair.

“What do you want next?”

“I think I want a rocket to match yours. I like how yours looks,” he said. “What about you?”

“I dunno. I haven’t really thought hard about it.” I could feel myself starting to drift off. “You know. Maybe a vision will come to me.”

He nodded. “Worth waiting for.”

—
(In totally other news, ctan’s latest heterosexual rock star romance TAKING THE LEAD came out today from a big New York publisher. She’s doing an online video chat tonight if any of you folks are interested. Details, buy links, video stream all here: http://blog.ceciliatan.com/archives/2706 Please tell your friends, review it, etc… First few days after release are the most crucial. Me, I’ll mind the store over here. -daron)
—