829. Sexuality

There was one huge thing that I had not thought about at all in the weeks leading up to our departure for South America. I knew there were a lot of things floating around in my head that I had crammed to the back because I didn’t have the bandwidth to think about them. I had a sense of those things pressing on me but I had to keep them at bay because there were more immediate things hammering my brain every minute of every day getting ready for this show.

Some of you have probably thought of it already, though. I’ll give you a hint: I barely had the bandwidth to deal with even a fraction of the emotional stuff going on between me and Ziggy. Family stuff, interpersonal stuff, other people-related stuff therefore was well outside the realm of my dealability.

Here’s another hint. When I say a huge thing, I mean a six-foot tall thing. (Or maybe an eight-inch thing if you have a dirty mind.)

If I was the slightest bit worried about whether Colin and Flip were going to bond–which, let’s face it, I was, even if I was keeping myself from thinking about it–that worry evaporated when I saw them playing “rock, paper, scissors” and giving each other welts on the arm. (If you don’t understand why putting each other in pain is a bonding thing, um, I can’t explain it since I don’t understand it either. I just accept that it is.)

Ziggy and I had rolled into rehearsal about a half hour late. “Traffic,” Tony proclaimed to Barrett, though that was not strictly true. Whatever calm and relaxation I had gained by our morning lovemaking was frayed badly by the time we arrived because of my anxiety about us running out of time. It’s not like thirty minutes made a huge difference, but at the same time with almost no time left before our departure, every lost minute felt like a blow.

There was a brief mingle of meeting and re-meeting the full crew, and then we made a plan to run the show in full — with starts and stops as needed — tonight after dinner. Tomorrow, full dress rehearsal. Hopefully reaching the point of no stops at all. Day after: departure.

Normally at this point I would feel completely focused, with worries actually decreasing because all the extraneous stuff drops away. The show is what the show is.

But I still didn’t know what we were going to do in the acoustic segment. And I still didn’t know if I was physically going to make it through without my hand falling off. It was like one of those nightmares where you show up to a final exam completely unprepared for the material but try to fake your way through it anyway. Except this was my real life. If only we had one more week. Just a week. If we had an extra week, then everything could be worked out, I thought.

But there was no way to get that week. Wishing for it so hard that my stomach hurt didn’t make it happen. I just had to plow ahead.

Flip had tuned all my guitars while waiting for me to arrive, and after a vocal warmup for everyone, Ziggy included, led by me, we dove right into a run-through of the first quarter or so of the show with dancers and tech. I should point out that on a show like this it isn’t just the musicians and the dance troupe who needed to rehearse. The tech crew–lights, stage effects, logistics, et cetera–needed to rehearse, too. Every other tour I’d been on they’d been given a lot more time to work with the full show. The piecemeal way we’d gotten this together–entirely because of me–meant that they and Linn were still figuring some things out.

The one saving grace is that for South America we were not taking an entire custom stage with us, and although we did have our own lights, the setup was not (apparently) as fully involved and complex as it would be if we did the USA. So most of what the light crew had to work on was just what color or effect to use when, and when/how to use follow spots. The tech guys were the first to tell me they had it under control and it was no problem but I had vivid memories of sitting down at Louis’s real-time lighting console that one time and that feeling like I was playing a giant pipe organ. It was an art form of its own and they were performers, and they deserved every chance to succeed in their performance. Which meant we had to give them adequate rehearsal.

I felt like shit about it.

The first round of rehearsals went pretty well, though, and getting into the groove with the band always made me feel better, even if it was temporary. I at least knew that the first twenty minutes of the show was solid, and first impressions count for a lot. I felt like something was still off about the sound, but I set aside my desire for perfection with my knowledge that as long as it sounded all right to the supposed concert-goer, that was what really mattered. With the full crew there, we had a bit more of an audience than before, and that focused everyone in a good way. There was a smattering of applause as we finished the last song in that segment of the set.

And then my wrist began to lock up. It was like the spasm that usually formed in the middle of my palm had moved southward into my forearm. The good thing was that my fingers seemed to still move without trouble. The bad thing was that it was excruciating in a whole new way.

Flip could see it right away. He was right there, taking my guitar from me as he would at that point in the set, while I was flexing my fingers and gritting my teeth.

“You taken your F yet?” he asked.

“I was going to wait until I ate something,” I said. I didn’t explain that Ziggy and I had each other for breakfast and it wasn’t yet time for lunch.

He cuffed me on the side of the head gently. “I thought we worked out a regimen.”

“Well, we had, but the days are much longer and–”

He held his hand out, one eyebrow up.

I picked my jacket up off the amp where I had slung it and handed him the bottle from my pocket. He rattled it. “You pick up refills already or do you need to do that before we leave?”

“I’ve got a fresh bottle at the apartment.”

He nodded. “And what brand of whiskey should I get?”

“Doesn’t ma–”


“Okay, okay. Maker’s is okay, but I like Knob Creek even better.”

He snickered. “Of course you do.”

I swear roadies can (and will) make anything into a sexual innuendo.

At that point he went to find me something to eat so he could make me take the pill. I didn’t argue. Honestly, having someone else in charge of my medication was a relief. One fewer thing for my brain to have to deal with.

As Flip disappeared, Colin appeared, took hold of my hand, and began to try to massage the cramp out of it. I tried to show him where it was in my wrist except can bones get cramps? I don’t know. I pointed to it.

He caught my other hand in his and lifted it slightly, his thumb touching my ring, his eyes full of questions.

My cheeks heated suddenly, like I’d been caught red-handed with my hand in the cookie jar, and a spike of sudden guilt stabbed deep in my gut. There was a huge tangle of feelings and guilt and fear and thoughts about what Colin might think and whether I should have handled it differently or what it all meant or how I had surely surely surely fucked this up terribly and that big knot basically hit me like a boulder falling off a cliff. The words that came out didn’t even make any sense: “I did it.” But I couldn’t explain. I couldn’t face whether he was hurt by what I’d done. I couldn’t process any of it right at that moment and the pain in my wrist spiked like a nail was being driven through it.

[Don’t forget to come back Saturday for a new chapters! Thanks for all the donations last week for my birthday! -ctan]

(This one is not only from 1991, it’s got a lot of relevant lyrics for me. Go on, post your faves. -d)


  • G says:

    Isn’t Colin always the one who is there for what is needed when it is needed? He’s never been the one to be mixed up in feelings, not even for you. Give him a chance to react – you freaked out before he could even get past the surprised look. He’s most likely going to just be really happy for you, or at least supportive. Colin’s always been really cool and he’s always known you love Ziggy. I do, however, understand that you two did have a level of intimacy so I get what you feel.

    I feel so badly that you are on such a roller coaster. Hopefully you’re able to settle a little the night before you leave.

    • Lenalena says:

      I don’t think that is entirely true. Daron has worried on several occasions that Colin does have feelings and he has felt guilty that he has, in some ways, been taking advantage of that.

    • s says:

      I’m with Lena on this one. Last night I actually reread the chapters where things started getting weird between Daron and Colin because I knew something was bound to happen when they saw each other again and Daron wore a wedding band. Can’t wait to see how they work it out.

    • G says:

      But I can’t have this situation right now, you two! I need something to be not a twisted mangled ripped up heart f***in mess! You don’t know how hard these last few chapters have been. I need Colin to be sane. I need Daron to get a freaking break from the constant freak out mode he is in! I’m feeling too much right now…God I suck – I’m thinking of myself here. But all that being said, I totally understand what both of you are saying. Maybe I’m just hiding my head in the sand, wishfully thinking. But I still dare to hope. Not as much as before though…

      • s says:

        Daron is primed for self-destruction but I’m not sure the button has actually been pushed yet. There may still be time to disarm the bomb.

        The worst part is there’s not much Daron can actually do about any of it. Either Colin will be ok with it or he won’t. Either his hand will make it through or it won’t. What he can control is how he talks to Colin and Ziggy and so far he’s not exactly making the grade. Fortunately, they both know him well, so hopefully they will give him as many chances as he needs to get it right. I predict a shit show in the meantime, though.

        • marktreble says:

          To me Daron appears to be in pre-fugue state (it’s now called dissociative fugue). He’s ready to forget his identity. Too many people and groups are depending on him for too much, and he cannot control any of it. The easiest way to deal with all of that is to lose your identity.

          This isn’t necessarily dangerous, and it can resolve within hours or days. I’m hoping for hours, because he doesn’t have days.

          I agree that Colin has feelings for Daron; Daron also has feelings for Colin, as he confessed the last time they were together. Colin seems well-attuned to others’ moods, and I believe (or at least hope) he will congratulate Daron, then go and exchange blow jobs with Flip.

          Ziggy offered recently to arrange a three-way with Jordan. If Daron’s mind goes into outer space, I can imagine Ziggy arranging a three-way with Colin and Daron as a quick fix.

    • daron says:

      Isn’t Colin always the one who is there for what is needed when it is needed?

      Colin doesn’t deserve to be run roughshod over for exactly that reason, though.

      He’s never been the one to be mixed up in feelings, not even for you.

      Well except the last time we slept together we basically came out and said we both felt a lot more strongly about each other than we had planned to and then I avoided the subject after that.

  • Lenalena says:

    Lalalalalala OMFG here comes the Boom.

  • s says:

    *grabs popcorn*

    Except I’m sure the conversation will happen at 35,000 ft somewhere over Venezuela…when Colin brings it up after Daron goes into a tailspin and his brain explodes.

    Fwiw, apparently I could’ve been a roadie. My mind is usually in the gutter, too. Lol

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *