Poor Poor Pitiful Me

When we were finished with our soundcheck, Megaton went back on to do a “last check” and I went to hide in the bus. Kind of lame, I know, but I didn’t want to spend the time leading up to the show being nervous or having a fight with anyone.

Then I remembered Ziggy and his pre-show panic attack of the other day and wondered where he was. So I didn’t stay in the bus long.

Nothing seemed amiss in our locker room, though. I didn’t see Carynne but I assumed she was in the production office, or whatever they gave us that passed for one.

Ziggy and Colin were sitting side by side on a brown leather couch that looked like it had seen better days. Colin had welts up his forearm and Ziggy had several stripes himself.

I’d seen them play this game before. Last tour. A couple of times. They were giggling like madmen, as usual.

“How about you, Daron?” Ziggy called over. “Wanna play?”

“I dunno, do I?” I gave them a skeptical look. “Maybe I should just watch.”

That set them to laughing again, and then they counted off together, “One, two, three, shoot.”

I had forgotten the game was actually Rock, Paper, Scissors. The winner then licked two of his fingers and slapped the loser on the forearm.

Colin lost. “Oh, man,” he complained.

Ziggy held him lightly by the wrist. “You’re running out of space,” he said, and turned it over to the underside.

Colin turned it back. “No way!”

“Which is worse, the soft side, or me hitting the same spot again?”

Colin looked at the ceiling. “Shit, I don’t know.”

“Try it. If you don’t like it, I’ll go back to smacking you on the topside,” Ziggy said.

“That’s if you win. My luck has to turn around sometime,” he said.

“True…”

“Okay, here.” Colin turned his hand palm side up and presented the paler side of his forearm.

I flinched at the sound of the smack and got up.

“Where you–?”

I didn’t stay to find out if Colin thought it hurt more or less. I just didn’t want to be there then. I just wanted to be far away from them for a moment, or forever, I don’t know. I went into the men’s room and shut myself in a stall and wondered if I had magically taken Ziggy’s panic attack for myself.

No, it was just I knew, you see. Let me be clear. I had one of those searing insights that is so totally convincing that it’s either a) true or b) not true but represents something even worse. Some ugly truth inside me, some paranoid demon.

What did I know? I knew Ziggy and Colin had slept together. Last tour probably. Or maybe even earlier, when I wasn’t paying attention. No, last tour.

This tour? No. Didn’t think so. Had to be last time.

Which meant… Ziggy hadn’t done it to try to get my attention?

No, it meant that I was just stupid. I was just full of it, making shit up, and my head hurt. And why the fuck did I care if Ziggy and Colin did anything together, now or then or ever, if I was a) done with Ziggy and b) not interested in Colin? Especially if Ziggy didn’t flaunt it in my face?

Fuck fuck fuck. Shoulda stayed in the bus, bwana.

Remember when Ziggy said he was sure Colin would put out for me if I wanted? I felt stupid for not having seen it then. That’s how he knew. It seemed glaringly obvious now.

So what else was I missing? What was the next thing I was not noticing until after I had run off the end of the cliff and hung there like Wile E. Coyote, not dropping until I realized what I had done?

Get a hold of yourself, stupid. Grab onto that fucking ledge and crawl back out there and pretend nothing happened. You’ve got a show to do and there’s enough fucking drama from other quarters. You don’t need to be making more.

That’s what I told myself and that’s what I did. I washed my face and wandered the place until security told me they were opening the doors so I had best get backstage.

Rock, Paper, Scissors was over. Chris was drumming on his own leg with his headphones on and his eyes shut. Colin was writing out set lists. Ziggy held up the eyeliner pencil and waved it at me from across the room.

I tried not to trudge as I crossed the locker room to where the makeup mirrors were set up. But it felt like I was anyway.


(Today’s song is by Warren Zevon, but I had to share the above Jackson Browne rendition in which Waddy Wachtel plays a guitar much like Daron’s Fender Strat. Wachtel is probably playing a much older and more expensive one than Daron’s. Below, Zevon playing it in 1995 at South Station train station in Boston. With a kind of Irish folk twist. -ctan)

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Comments 7

  1. Elle wrote:

    O.o I totally missed that, too, D, so I don’t feel bad. I feel blind-sided and I’m just an observer.

    [Reply]

    daron Reply:

    But what if I’m wrong? Except I’m sure I’m not.

    Given Zig’s “anything that moves” approach I really should’ve thought of it sooner…

    [Reply]

    Posted 28 Jun 2012 at 11:44 am
  2. M.C.A. Hogarth wrote:

    I am so sorry, Daron.

    [Reply]

    daron Reply:

    Thanks. Doesn’t even hurt less knowing it’s my own damn fault.

    [Reply]

    Posted 28 Jun 2012 at 3:33 pm
  3. carrie ann wrote:

    Hmmm so are we freaked over Ziggy or Colin?

    [Reply]

    daron Reply:

    Does it have to be either/or? It’s everything. The more I try to analyze it, the more it’s just… the whole tangled mess.

    [Reply]

    Posted 28 Jun 2012 at 4:11 pm
  4. Jaime S. wrote:

    I totally did not see that coming! Damn. And things between Daron and Ziggy seemed to finally be picking back up again…

    I really want to know more about Ziggy’s panic attack and what the deal was there!

    Things sure are a total mess right now.

    [Reply]

    ctan Reply:

    The thing about the Ziggy & Colin thing is that nothing has actually changed other than the inside of Daron’s head…

    [Reply]

    Jaime S. Reply:

    Daron doesn’t peg me as someone to just let things like that happen. Clearly he is affected by what they did, and I’m hoping it will help him come to a realization, whether it’s that he is ready to get over Ziggy (which I doubt) or that he is ready to try things with him again (which I want to happen), but I don’t think it can be that simple…

    [Reply]

    ctan Reply:

    LOL. In the beginning of the story, Daron was the king of letting things happen. He’s begun to take more action regarding his own happiness (or misery) in recent times, but he’s still more oblivious to a lot going on in the people around him than maybe he should be/could be.

    [Reply]

    Jaime S. Reply:

    I agree. Sometimes he just gets so wrapped up in himself! It’s obvious he cares about people, but he’s a little self-absorbed.

    [Reply]

    ctan Reply:

    Well all artists are a little, but that’s also the consequence of having to build such thick walls between himself and the (homophobic) world.

    [Reply]

    Posted 29 Jun 2012 at 2:50 am
  5. Sand wrote:

    Oh sh*t!!! I did NOT see that! I woulld have sooner seen Colin and Daron sleeping together then Ziggy and Colin O.o

    [Reply]

    ctan Reply:

    yeah, well, path of least resistance is the one that gets taken…?

    [Reply]

    Posted 21 Oct 2012 at 1:43 am
  6. Songquake wrote:

    No, stay with the program, Daron. Housemate booty is bad booty, worse booty than band booty, even.

    [Reply]

    daron Reply:

    Yeah, my last pseudo-sexual relationship with a roommate wasn’t exactly the greatest.

    [Reply]

    Posted 31 Mar 2013 at 1:13 am
  7. s wrote:

    I don’t get the freak out. What’s it matter? He’d be doing you if you let him…I bet he’d even go exclusive for you. At least Colin didn’t know about you and Z, unlike C, and you kept your shit together, mostly,then…

    [Reply]

    daron Reply:

    Uh, all I can say is read it again. It’s the best explanation I can give of why I was upset. And no, it’s not jealousy.

    [Reply]

    s Reply:

    Ok, I should rephrase. I get why YOU freaked out. That’s what you do. It just seems odd that you freaked out over something that likely happened months ago. Is it because he DIDN’T flaunt it in your face? Ok, maybe I still don’t get it…You can be a tough one to figure out sometimes, Daron…

    [Reply]

    Bill Heath Reply:

    What makes you say it happened months ago? Yes, it almost certainly happened on the first tour. For the first time. But, Coilin isn’t going to let Ziggy manipulate him through sex, and Colin isn’t going to let himself manipulate Ziggy either.

    Colin is uncomplicated, something about him that I love. The first time was on the first tour, the most recent time could have been this morning. Colin’s available and Ziggy certainly isn’t discriminating. Straightforward recreational sex has got to be appealing to him from time to time. Like at least twice a day.

    [Reply]

    s Reply:

    I said it was months ago because that’s when Daron convinced himself it happened. It doesn’t matter when, really. It happened, and like you said, it’s probably happened more than once.

    “Colin’s available and Ziggy certainly isn’t discriminating.” Exactly. We’re supposedly all grown-ups here. So why the freak-out? He keeps insisting he doesn’t want Ziggy back and is not going to screw Colin, so what’s the problem? Oh, right, he *does* want Ziggy, he’s just being difficult. ;)

    [Reply]

    Posted 30 Mar 2015 at 10:09 pm

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