Ziggy’s Diary: 28

And today I have the hangover. Headache. I feel awful. From two ounces of alcohol. Well, I’m no longer used to it. I suppose I was asking for it.

Maybe it was trying to make that Christmas phone call that brought me to my latest realization. I chant and my mind opens and I see the universe and I feel the ecstatic joy that is to be alive. But then I realize that to remain in that state of grace I have to leave behind all that I know. All that I am. Not merely ego, not merely sin. All. ALL.

But didn’t I come here to purge myself of the urge to self-annihilate? How is being swallowed whole by the entire universe different from death? How is it different from leaving those in my life bereft of me?

It isn’t different. And I suddenly remember that I came here to supposedly heal myself SO I CAN become a functioning member of society again. Right? How is singing the name of God being functional? How long have I been here, anyway–six months? Does everyone think I’m dead?

I’ve been chipping away at that block of darkness, that scar, that damage I did to myself by being untrue about love. But I have come to think that even the unconditional love of god is not enough to heal that wound. There are only two choices.

I can forsake my entire past life, cut the memory of him out like a cancer, and move forward spiritually free into utter ego-less abandon. Or I can go back and try to heal the wound, return to my former self for the sake of doing so. The dilemma is the same as before, in a way. Oblivion beckons on one side, the love of others on the other. My mother, too. Can I leave her so easily? No. I really can’t.

The weight of it all feels crushing as I allow myself to remember what awaits me on the North American continent. The movie release. Has it happened yet? Are they searching for me? And what about Moondog Three? Am I ready to face Daron yet?

Daron. There. I wrote it. I found my mind chanting his name, spelling it out and making silly songs for call and response, even while the afternoon kirtan was going on. I thought of things like this:

Does
Anyone
Remember
Old
News?

Doubts
About
Romance
Orbit
Nightly

Don’t
Ask
Right
Or
Not

I need to go home.

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Comments 2

  1. Billy wrote:

    Zig seems to be just about ready. Any loose ends to tie up?

    [Reply]

    M.C.A. Hogarth Reply:

    I’m certainly ready for him to go home!

    Of course, Daron’s about to get lost too… they might pass one another like ships in the night. *cries*

    [Reply]

    sanders Reply:

    At this point, Daron’s heading for the workshop in Virginia–I think it’s VA anyway–since it’s Boxing Day for Ziggy. So there was New Year’s spent in Australia, then the workshop, which gives Ziggy a little time to get it together and get back to Boston, and for Daron to know he’s back before running off anywhere else.

    [Reply]

    ctan Reply:

    Their timelines are synching up, yes.

    [Reply]

    ctan Reply:

    I don’t know why, but for some reason Daron is really resisting going home.

    [Reply]

    ctan Reply:

    Four entries to go. :-)

    [Reply]

    Posted 24 Mar 2014 at 10:41 am
  2. Amber wrote:

    I don’t think I can explain the emotions I felt at reading that last line.
    I can’t wait to see what happens when they see each other again.

    [Reply]

    ctan Reply:

    I can’t wait either. Now to get *Daron* to actually go home, though…!

    [Reply]

    s Reply:

    This.

    [Reply]

    Posted 25 Mar 2014 at 2:35 pm

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