You know how I keep saying I have to let go of the fact I’m so stupid? But here’s how stupid I am. How obvious is this? There’s a form of meditation that involves singing. That involves voice. In fact, there are probably many of them! Duh! And the thing is, if I stopped and asked myself before I came to India what was the one thing I thought of when I thought of meditation, what I would have answered was “Om.”
Maybe it was necessary for me to try and fail at everything else first. Not fail. Not fail. LEARN. I learned a lot. I learned I don’t sit still and my breath isn’t compelling and having something to look at helps but my best sense is my hearing and the key that unlocks my inner self is my FUCKING VOICE DUH ITS SO OBVIOUS NOW
I chanted for two hours today and I thought it was two minutes. The vastness of the universe presented itself which made time seem small by comparison.
I’m a bit calmer now. If still a bit hung up on the fact that I could have, should have, started with this. But that’s all right. If I keep it up, regrets should fall away and the wounds should heal.
I wonder how many hours of meditation it will take to heal the wound I made from hating myself for being stupid about meditation? What’s the prescription?
I suppose I’ll know that I’ve healed the wound I made from hating myself over being blind to what was happening with me toward the end of the tour when I can write his name again.
I once wrote a song that had a riff about loving him more and loving myself less. I see now that it was only my ego I needed to love less. I still needed to love my true self more. That void was what I tried to fill with drugs. Or that I wanted him to fill, but no one can ever fill that hole for you. It just becomes a wormhole that eats them alive and is still hungry for your soul.
heal/seal RHYME SONG IDEA?