(Whoops, sorry folks, formatting error had appended this entry to the end of the previous. Fixed now…? We’re about two-thirds of the way through Ziggy’s diary. -ctan)
I didn’t realize how many days have passed since I last wrote. In fact I don’t know how many, but a lot. I’m at an ashram now that’s maybe more of a collective than the previous ones? Because it’s all full of musicians. I mean, there’s a head guy, but he’s not always the one who leads. Whatever. The details don’t matter. It’s the singing that matters.
We sing the names of the gods over and over. Sometimes with drums and flutes and musical accompaniment.
I can lose myself entirely in singing the names of the gods, as if my entire body fills with a light so bright that it is the only thing that can be seen and all else disappears. Is that why they call it enlightenment? I realize I have felt this before. On stage. That’s an odd place to forget who I am, but it’s that the music itself takes on a life of its own. This time the scope is bigger though, the entire universe is the concert hall.
The trick is that of course singing engages my ego tremendously but the same singing has the ability to overcome ego entirely and leave it behind. To lose one’s self is so rare and precious. People are afraid of it and yet they crave it. Why else would people drink until they black out? Presented with the cliff do they shrink from the edge because they fear falling or they fear being unable to resist flinging themselves into the void?
I have to be careful of my talk of oblivion, I know, because that’s how one lands in forced hospitalization. But you know what, Diary? Suicide isn’t what I’m talking about here. It’s so difficult to put into words in a way that anyone who hasn’t been inside my head will understand. This is also why one doesn’t get enlightened from a book or just from hearing some guru talk. Words only get you so far. To actually understand, you have to do it, you have to live it, you have to get all the parts of your mind wrapped around it, not just the wordy parts.
We’re singing. We sing every day. Everyone sings. There’s a leader but we all answer in one voice. I know no one here yet I love them all. And I feel loved. Because the love of the gods is the love that can fill the void where humans can’t.