Hello I Love You

“Where is the phone?” I asked, like I didn’t know it was on the wall by the door to the kitchen. “Where is the phone?”

Sarah knew what I was actually trying to come up with. “Why don’t you use the extension in my room,” she said. “It’s by the bed.”

Jonathan gave me a little encouraging nod. He knew what I was thinking.

I’m grateful to them for both being right there with my need for privacy. I pulled my notebook out of the guitar case and went into Sarah’s dark, quiet bedroom.

I sat on the edge of the bed and picked up the phone on the night table. It took me a moment to find the page where I’d written the number. I noted the area code and the exchange. Had to be someplace close to where Jonathan and I had lived.

I listened to the out-of-tune buzz of the dial tone for a few seconds, working up my nerve while simultaneously beating myself up for everything. Everything.

I know. Not the best frame of mind for me. And exactly how I got myself gutted and shredded in the past, right? By making myself totally, irresponsibly vulnerable.

I dialed. It rang.

And rang.

And rang.

If I had been having dire thoughts about slip and fall accidents the night before, well, just imagine how dire my imagination was getting now.

An answering machine finally picked up, with a generic robot-like voice saying, “Please leave a message.”

I froze. I should have just hung up. But what if he was there? What if he was screening? But likewise what if someone else was listening? I didn’t even know if it was Ziggy’s own place or if he was crashing on Digger’s couch or what. I had no idea.

A few seconds had gone by after the beep and I settled for an almost voiceless, “Hey. It’s me.”

A few more seconds of silence passed and then the machine hung up on me.

I hate the dial tone. Hate it. I would have thrown the phone across the room except I had no strength left in me. I could barely muster the strength to hang up the phone.

I guess I sat there without moving for so long that Jonathan came to check on me. He peeked through the door, which I had left open, and then came and sat next to me, tentatively putting a hand on my shoulder.

“What happened?” he asked, which I think was his way of asking why my cheeks were all wet.

“Nothing,” I said. “Not home. Or not answering.”

“Oh, D.”

I let him hug me then even though that squeezed a lot more tears loose. I can’t tell you how much I hate being a basket case like that.

“If you’re this upset and you haven’t even talked to him yet,” J said, “you must really be twisted up inside.”

It took me two tries at clearing my throat before I could speak. “Have you ever known me not to be?”

He didn’t answer other than to rub my back with the palm of his hand. Remind me I still owe him that medal that says “Supportive Ex” on it, will you?

Jonathan checked his watch. “We could wait a half hour and try again,” he suggested.

“Or we could go see the damn movie and I’ll try him after that and then I can say I saw it,” I said, kind of in a rush.

“That sounds like a plan.”


“You going to be okay?”

“I could use a drink.” My head lifted. I heard how that sounded. It didn’t sound good. “Of water,” I added.

“Good plan,” Jonathan said, standing up and then helping me up, too. “Good plan.”

(P.S. Anyone in New York City this weekend, Saturday is the Bisexual Book Awards! May 31, 6:30pm at the Westbeth Community Arts Center. Details: http://biwriters.livejournal.com/95788.html I’ll be reading from Best Bi Short Stories.)

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Comments 4

  1. Connie wrote:

    I could use a drink, too, after that–(of water, of course). My stomach is clenching so tight for you, Daron.


    daron Reply:



    Posted 29 May 2014 at 9:20 am
  2. wh4tisit wrote:

    Of course! Nothing like preparing oneself for days without thinking the other person is not just sitting there and waiting :)


    daron Reply:



    Posted 29 May 2014 at 2:17 pm
  3. Averin wrote:

    Must have missed something somewhere, wouldn’t Ziggy be in New York for that premiere too?


    ed69 Reply:

    I thought that too


    ziggy Reply:

    There’s only one premiere with red carpet, etc. and that was in L.A. This is just a promo screening to drum up publicity.


    Averin Reply:

    You know, having messages from Ziggy is almost like being able to skip to the end of a hard copy: whew, okay, no one I care about will die so I’ll keep reading. Or maybe nobody else does that.


    Stacey Reply:

    I agree 100%!


    ziggy Reply:

    Oh, honeychild. I am way too stubborn to die.


    sanders Reply:

    You’re totally not the only one. I do it with hardcopy books, I do it with fanfic. Sometimes, if I catch a movie on TV, I’ll turn to wiki just to be sure. It’s a relief in a way that the messages imply there’s still *something* between the guys, at least enough for them appear in the same place once in a while.


    Posted 29 May 2014 at 3:58 pm
  4. Mike wrote:

    Oh, Daron….
    ‘Been there. :-\


    daron Reply:

    Seems like this relationship is always like this: he and I never quite connect.


    Bill Heath Reply:

    Don’t worry about it yet. It’s bound to get worse.


    Posted 30 May 2014 at 4:22 am

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