417. Wouldn’t It Be Good

I spent another week in Boston, during which Carynne made me go to the dentist, and I got all my new furniture arranged. My room seemed bigger when it had actual shelves and a sleek chest of drawers instead of all the piled milk crates. Having an actual bed meant there was room under it for two guitar cases. It was nicer, yeah, but I couldn’t help but feel a little bit like I’d made it more like a hotel room. Which wasn’t exactly my idea of home, even if I’d slept in a lot of them in the past few months.

Courtney helped me, though, and it was actually kind of fun to go through my stuff with her and arrange it for the first time since I’d moved into the Allston house. I had a lot of magazines piled up. I didn’t want to throw them away, but with Court’s help I moved a bunch of them to the basement, which is where the computer and stuff was anyway, and so was the place I was most likely to want to refer to, say, a back issue of Musician.

Court took all the milk crates for herself, amusingly enough. When I said I’d buy furniture for her, too, she reminded me she might end up in a dorm in a few months anyway, so the milk crates were actually the best thing. They’d certainly served me well in all my many moves so I couldn’t argue.

Chris and I went out to see a show, some local metal. We paid the cover at the door and apparently this caused some consternation among the club’s management. I didn’t see anything wrong with paying like normal people, instead of calling up to try to get on the guest list or pulling favors. I think the cover was eight bucks, so it wasn’t a big deal. But I guess they felt we were trying to “sneak” in? I don’t know. People are weird. Carynne told me not to worry about it. The show was nothing special, but it was nice to hang out with Chris like we used to.

I flew to LAX and had to change planes in Chicago. Jonathan picked me up, we went straight to In-and-Out Burger, and I caught him up on what everyone was up to, which was mostly nothing, but you know, that’s the thing. Every conversation isn’t about some life-changing decision or something. I told him about the furniture and about Courtney trying to figure out what to do school-wise and about Led Zeppelin and Michelle’s latest stuff about trying to get her design business going.

“I had no idea what was involved, but apparently a lot,” I told him, while we sat in the car eating. He had picked me up in the red hatchback, which had come across the country with his stuff. “So she’s focusing on accessories, which I guess means handbags mostly.”

“That’s gutsy. I mean, all the challenges of starting a small business and a retail operation and a manufacturing operation at the same time? And being creative about it?”

“Apparently Bart’s father is totally fascinated by the whole thing and has decided there’s a missed opportunity in capital investment in small entrepreneurship and so not only is he fronting a bunch of the money she needs, he’s starting some kind of think tank or consultancy or something.” I licked grease off my fingers. “Though I think maybe it’s also just his way of showing he approves of Michelle.”

“Are they getting married?” Jonathan asked.

“Not that I know of. But they bought that condo in the Back Bay together, which as I understand it is halfway there. Pretty sure they’re married in their minds, if you know what I mean.”

“Committed to each other.”


There’s no way to describe the silence that fell then as anything other than awkward. Commitment was the elephant in the hatchback. Or at least in my mind.

Jonathan started the car and turned us toward Laurel Canyon. It took me a moment to orient myself. “Hey, we’re not going to West Hollywood?”

“Utilities aren’t getting turned on until Friday. My stuff’s all there, but once it gets dark it’s a bit dull.” He gave me a wry smirk.

“Ah, I see.”

“Besides, I didn’t ever get a real answer on whether you’re moving in with me or not.”

“I know.” I sucked in a breath, suddenly spurred by the need to explain myself. “I figure my failure to muster an objection is a pretty strong indication that I want it to happen.”

“What?” His brow wrinkled as he tried to figure out what I said and keep his eyes on the road.

“I mean, I suck at saying yes.”

“Ah, yeah. You do.” He was grinning. “So you’re saying… you’re not saying no, and that leaves only one alternative?”

“Yes. So, yes. There, I said it.”

He laughed happily and a giddy but frightened feeling ran through my veins.

It wasn’t until we were at Remo’s house and I was getting my stuff together that I realized what I should have said. My stuff was actually pretty well consolidated in and around my suitcase in the bedroom and in one corner of the studio. Something about being on the road a lot had trained me to keep my shit together and not spread it all over, I think. Anyway, what I should have suggested was that I stay at Remo’s during the week and then at Jonathan’s on the weekends. But having not said that, I felt it would be weird to try to say it now, as it would seem like backing out. I decided maybe I should just tell my inner voice to shut up and enjoy the ride.

Besides I didn’t have a gig at the moment and maybe it would be stupid to sit around alone in the canyon with my thumb up my butt. At least until Remo got back in a couple of weeks.

We watched a Tom Hanks movie out of Remo’s collection and got in bed earlyish for us, since J. had to be at the office for a meeting in the morning. And because he was eager to get into bed. I mean, yeah, we hadn’t seen each other in over ten days, and so it should come as no surprise he was eager. No complaints here.

The next day I finally talked to Remo. He’d managed to miss me in Boston a couple of times. He had pretty much pieced together the whole story for himself by the time he reached me, between talking to Carynne once, Christian once, Digger once, etc. He didn’t have a lot of time to talk, and long-distance from Europe to LA has got to be a killer, but he wanted the whole thing from me with the full Arlo Guthrie four-part harmony treatment. So he got it.

And I told him I was moving in with Jonathan for a couple of months in West Hollywood, but I wanted to know if it was okay for me to still come use the studio here if I needed to, and of course he said yes. And never once did he say or imply that it might not be a good idea to move in with my boyfriend immediately after getting dumped from my record label for being too gay. Remo’s exact words about the whole BNC situation? “Fuck ’em.”

Two days later I officially moved in with Jonathan. I don’t know which thing I was more terrified of: that it wouldn’t work out, or that it would.


  • Billy says:

    a-go-“nay” going from marathon mode to mini-walks with reading, but Fall term starts soon so it’s perfect. I think I’m addicted.

  • LenaLena says:

    I guess Daron’s mind differs from mine a little after all (and here I thought we were twins separated at birth). Back in my early twenties any failure on my part to say yes meant I was too chickenshit to say no.

    • daron says:

      Shh. That’s what I’m really saying but I’m too chickenshit to say THAT.

      • LenaLena says:

        I knew it! You fucker. I was reading that bit and going ‘this isn’t right, that is not how it works, it’s the other way around for us’, but I was trying to be nice and give you the benefit of the doubt.

        Nice bit of wishful thinking on Jonathan’s part there, accepting that bullshit reasoning.

        • daron says:

          I was kind of trying to hope for myself that maybe being to chickenshit to say anything *could* be the same as too chickenshit to say yes, instead of too chickenshit to say no. Sometimes wishful self-delusion is the closest thing to optimism I can muster. J. will just have to be the optimist for both of us.

        • LenaLena says:

          I know the feeling well.

  • cay says:

    Oh Daron…

  • Linda says:

    Ugh! I was keeping my fingers crossed that Daron wouldn’t move in with Jonathan. I was really hoping that Daron and Ziggy loved each other and would work things out. I’m not sure I can take any more of Jonathan and Daron and no Ziggy for so long! It has been a good story so far but not sure I can keep up without a glimmer of Ziggy! I miss the passion that Daron and Ziggy had, J and D are so boring. Sorry if my opinion offends anyone.

    • ctan says:

      Don’t forget that Daron misses Ziggy as much as you do. 🙂

      • Linda says:

        Cecilia, I hope I didn’t offend you. I know Daron misses Ziggy too. I am not so sure moving in with Jonathan is the right thing to do. Jonathan obviously loves Daron, isn’t this going to lead him into thinking there is more to the relationship than there really is? It just winds me up! I wish Daron could run after Ziggy. I would love to see him hop a plane to India! I guess it says a lot about your writing, to make me feel so strongly about Daron and Ziggy!! I guess I have to be patient and still keep my fingers crossed for D and Z!

        • ctan says:

          No offense at all! I’m glad you’re so into the story!

        • sanders says:

          Everything you’ve said, Linda, I second whole-heartedly. I like Jonathan as a person, but not either in such large doses or instead of Ziggy (as a reader or for Daron). I have to keep telling myself Ziggy will come back, eventually. Or something.

          I wouldn’t worry too much about offending anyone; it seems pretty hard to do around these parts unless you go on a Digger-like rant. We all feel pretty passionately about the story.

        • Linda says:

          Thanks, Sanders. I was afraid I was alone in my feelings about Daron and Jonathan. I agree, J is a nice guy and he has helped Daron with accepting his sexuality but I just don’t feel that they are right for each other. So, I have my fingers crossed that they don’t live together for a long period of time..haha! It will be hard to read. I can’t wait to read about Ziggy again! And thanks for saying that about not offending anyone! Cecilia has written such an amazing story and I really do love it! Can’t turn away from it! LOL!

          • s says:

            This. Every. Last. Word. What the hell was the point of the Listen To Your Heart chapter?

            Come home, Ziggy, before he really fucks eveything up!

    • Bill Heath says:

      Linda, this is a coming of age story, and an extraordinary one because it is so realistic. Unlike such stories that are formulaic, this doesn’t focus on a single event or period of time that changed the youth into an adult. It’s about all the influences on Daron’s evolution and growth.

      Many of those influences appear boring as they pop up, but in the scheme of things they are necessary. And ‘boring’ can certainly lead to insights that propel the evolution. Daron has already learned so much from his time with Jonathan, including that he still loves and is passionate about Ziggy. I doubt that without the ‘boring’ he”d be there. And I expect that more ‘boring’ can help him discover what he really wants (not just in a lover).

  • AK says:

    I think the addiction is contagious…. I can’t stop thinking about this story. I’m even making up my own story lines in my mind at this point. Daron, I might need use of your therapist when you find one.

  • Joe says:

    D – you need to go on your own Walkabout, man. I don’t think it matters at this point how anything turns out, you are so fucked (and not in the good way). Until you figure out what you want, at least, and I doubt you can do that while you’re with either one of them.

    ctan – +1 for the four-part harmony 🙂 🙂

  • peter Wilcox says:

    Daron, try it for awhile. It is always nice to be loved, adored, and comforted. And, Jonathan seems to afford this to you. No matter what, Daron, he will always love you.
    Ziggy is like living with a time-bomb! He just scares me. At this time in your career, do you need him, or not??

    • daron says:

      I’m giving it a go. I kind of worry that everyone’s a time bomb, it’s just that some tick more loudly than others.

    • Bill Heath says:

      Outstanding advice.

      Please, all, remember that this is a coming of age tale (in addition to coming out and rock music and OMG). Jonathan has been a major figure in Daron’s evolution. I believe he still has a major role to play in that evolution. And, moving in with him will help
      Daron and Jonathan figure out what that role can and should be.

      ctan, you are absolutely right to get rid of Ziggy at this point. It’s not permanent. Unlike poor Jonathan I don’t think you’re agonizing about killing off a major beloved character. I suspect you’re giving us followers a break from the Ziggy roller coaster to examine some of the other influences on Daron’s life. And I cannot think of a better way to do it than you have done.


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