486. Ziggy’s Diary: 14

Was it Veddy or Jenn who took up the sword of Shiva to castrate me today? Guess what! It doesn’t matter! Because I don’t care! Veddy and Jenn are fucking and I don’t care. Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care.

No, seriously, I feel nothing. My dick doesn’t even stir the slightest bit when I hear them. I take that as a sign that my lustful ego is dormant if not dead. Finally.

It’s fascinating because I can see through a prism into the parallel universes where I WOULD have cared. Where it would have wounded me deeply. In one: “She betrayed me.” Another: “HE betrayed me.” Another: “Why was I not invited?” None of those are me as I am now, though.

I heard them during the evening meditation session. All the hate in the room felt like it was trapping me there, but my mind fled as best it could, searching the house for the sounds of the monks washing the dinner dishes, the trickles of water down the drain in the back courtyard…

At one point Veddy got off his perch at the front of the room and wafted out, as he sometimes does. Jenn slipped out a short time later.

God bless Daron for forcing earplugs on me years ago.

The attention of the group is split now because some of them noticed that she left at the same time as him and you don’t have to have ESP to guess why.


  • Nona says:

    The soap opera follows us everywhere! Ziggy sounds like he’s rising above it all. I hope that can continue once he returns to the band.

  • This is my ‘wha-a-a-t’ face.


    Ugh, sleeping with your spiritual advisor, the one you paid. Icktacular. -_-

  • LenaLena says:

    How utterly cliche. This is the exact reason I am highly suspicious of gurus, they never seem to be able to keep it in their pants.

    I don’t even go on retreats with male yoga teachers anymore. Last one I went on a few years ago in Kauai I had this massive struggle to remain non-judgmental when the guy was calling his 6 year old son for his birthday, because obviously, he couldn’t be there. Because he was in Hawaii himself with his former student girlfriend who wanted to give birth to their baby on that island because of the ley-lines or whatever. And then the baby was born early in the middle of the retreat, so we students had to make do with the assistants for two days….

    And everybody there is cooing about the miracle of birth, while I am there thinking a) I am so happy I get to pay a lot of money for this so you can go have a baby in Hawaii and b) I have a 6 year old boy myself, I can just see his face if I’d had to explain to him that daddy isn’t going to be there for his birthday because his new girlfriend wants to have a baby somewhere else.

    I prefer my retreats to be more serene and less ‘fuck you’.

    • ctan says:

      Oh man. Talk about entitled. Jeez.

      • LenaLena says:

        That’s the problem with a lot of these guys that have lots of adoring (mostly female) followers: The harder they profess to be letting go of the ego, the more self-centered they become.

        Did I mention that at the previous training I did with him 15 months before this one, he had a different girlfriend?

        • ctan says:

          Hm, do flocks of adoring females lead to inflated ego, or is it the inflated ego that attracts the flock? I suppose we could be asking this same question of rock stars as of yoga/meditation dudes…

    • ed69 says:

      come on zen baby

  • Bill Heath says:

    Ziggy, you can kill the ego, but you have to be careful about the zombie. I died emotionally for more than ten years because the alternatives were worse. Physical death would have been preferable, but then that would lead to the worse alternatives, including the death of my adult daughter whose medical bills I had to cover.

    The zombie arose a year ago. It was summoned by a passage in a book. I was a physical wreck for four months, vomiting, crying, unable to breathe. My wife of 43 years noticed nothing. I finally left at the end of the four months. We separated for six months. We’re trying reconciliation, but I do not expect it to work. My wife is still oblivious to me, having fallen in love with the person she thought I was supposed to be.

    Yes, you can kill the ego. Just beware of the zombie.

    • ziggy says:

      Wise words, man.

      I’m as susceptible to falling in love with the person that people think I should be as they are. And then we’re both stuck. This whole “finding myself” thing is the only way out of that trap.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *