487. Ziggy’s Diary: 15

Dear Diary, apologies for shaky handwriting. I’m safe and calm now but my hand is still nervy.

I almost undertook a new experiment in disassociation tonight. Almost.

I almost lay there silent and let Frenchy fuck me to see if I could do that. But no.

No. He pissed me off too much. Couldn’t maintain my Zen-like calm and it feels so good to say the motherfucker deserved what he got.

Hard to say if I injured him seriously or if it was merely that painful to him? Funny what you remember from when you’re young. In junior high we had a guy come to our gym class to teach a self defense workshop. This was ostensibly for the girls in the class–I think there had just been some high profile serial rapist in the papers–but they didn’t have anything else for the boys to do, so we all took the class, too. The instructor was a short guy built to the max and he taught us a couple of ways to twist out of holds and included in the instructions how to kick the attacker in the balls if the opportunity presented itself. We practiced in slow motion, but, you know… it was good for an hour of hilarity with a bunch of fourteen year old boys whose idea of perfect comedy is kicking each other in the nuts, you know?

The muscle memory remains, though. At full speed, in the dark, with my blood racing from adrenaline and rage because what he said was “you’re going to have to talk to say no to me,” and his pants already down, I kicked him really hard.

And then once he was down, I confess: I kicked him a couple more times.

And then I left. Might not have been the smartest thing, but I guess I’ll find out. I can’t see him going to the police. I don’t think they treat either foreigners like him or gays very well, and I can’t imagine he’d get much of a welcome reception from the local authorities.

Want to know the funniest thing of all? Femmy got up off his sleeping mat and kicked him a couple of times, too. I gave him a thumbs up for that. I doubt Frenchy could tell. After that first whack I don’t even think he felt the other kicks. Anyway.

I’ve got my travel pouch with my passport and wallet in it, but I left everything else behind. I didn’t have much stuff anyway. You’re hardly allowed to bring anything to BF in the first place and so most of what I left at Veddy’s was drab clothes.

I’m writing this from the top bunk in the far corner of a dormitory hostel. Three dollars a night. No one here has the slightest idea who I am. It’s wonderful.


  • Stacey says:

    OMG is right! And yet… I’m so relieved Ziggy is out of that place! Wish it hadn’t taken something that bad to get him moving – but I see better days ahead.

  • Connie says:

    Oh, Ziggy….
    So glad you took up for yourself. Proud of your righteous anger.

  • Kirk says:

    Way to go Ziggy!!!

  • Jude says:

    I would’ve kicked him multiple times too.

    Maybe he’ll end up at the hospital. That would be lovely.

  • Amber says:

    He definitely got what he deserved. So glad you are safe, Zig. And happy that you found someplace else to be anonymous.

  • amandagayle says:

    I love it when a new twist of events comes from seemingly out of left field. Shake it up, ctan! I’m excited to see where Ziggy goes next.

    • ctan says:

      LOL, whereas I thought I’d made it too obvious what was coming!

      • LenaLena says:

        Nope. I didn’t see it coming either.

          • amanda says:

            It wasn’t like it was out of place though. It flowed, and it was a very Ziggy thing to have happen to him, and a very Ziggy way to react (as I understand the character, and where he’s at now). I just got lulled into a rhythm, maybe. To be jolted out of it was a little bit like the rush you get when the bass drops (to use a modern day musical cliche as metaphor)- you know something has to happen eventually, but when it did your heart still jumped in your chest and you didn’t expect quite that time.

  • Averin says:

    Once again, just when I start to get worried, you mix it up Ctan.

    So if it’s day 15, Ziggy spent 30 days in BF, this is only week six in the time he and Daron have been apart?

    • ctan says:

      Oh, just to be clear: It’s not day 15 of Ziggy’s journal, it’s just entry 15. Sometimes more than a day goes by between entries, it may be 2-3 days or a week. (See Entry #10 when Ziggy tries to guess how long they’ve been in India and he isn’t sure if it’s been three weeks or a month.) By entry #15, they’ve been in India around 7 weeks, meaning it’s almost three months since he and Daron last saw each other. (Also, the month at Betty Ford felt like six months to him…)

  • Kunama says:

    Haha nope I didn’t see that coming either.
    I have no problems believing this scene was plausible.
    But just for the record… irl, groin kicking isn’t necessarily an encounter-ending move. It’s portrayed as such in so many movie things, but like so much in media, it’s not always accurate.

    • ctan says:

      I’m a second-degree black belt in taekwondo, so my expectations about groin-kicking don’t come from Hollywood.

      • ctan says:

        (And yes, every time we used to practice self-defense, even in slow motion, some guy would always accidentally get tagged in the nuts and end up incapacitated on the mat… Nowadays we make them wear their cups.)

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