312. Don’t You Forget About Me

I tried to fix it. I grabbed his elbows and blinked at him in surprise. “I mean, holy crap, J. I wasn’t expecting to see you until New York.”

“I know.” The hurt in his eyes was just a flicker and then it was gone. “I’ve been trying to call you since I saw it on the news. I finally just said, fuck it, I live fifteen minutes from Newark Airport anyway. I had to see you.”

It occurred to me that although he’d seen the accident on TV a hundred times, and probably thought it was worse than it was, he had no idea about the other stuff that was going on. “Um, yeah. Well, I’m glad to see you.” I looked around at the Miracle Mile guys and Chris who had sort of awkwardly made their way past us toward the backstage door. Ziggy was nowhere in sight.

Digger and Colin were right there, though. Digger was at the door, and Colin had been sitting on the back of the loading dock, his feet on the truck bumpers, and some of the rest of the crew were milling around. Carynne came out just then and I wondered why the hell everyone had chosen now to come outside or if it was just Murphy’s Law biting me on the ass.

A moment later I had my answer, though, as Marty came pulling around the driveway to the back, honking the horn of the bus.

They hadn’t just painted over the graffiti in the back.

They’d redone the whole bus with the Moondog Three logo down the side and photorealistic airbrushed renditions of our four faces.

“Holy shit,” I said, and let go of Jonathan.

Marty was as pleased as a parent with a new baby. I’d never seen him smile like that. I’d also never heard him utter a longer sentence than when he was explaining that the paint was “dry” but not “cured” yet, but it was the best they could do on short notice. The hot weather would help, he said.

In other words, everyone got to focus on that and not on the fact that I’d just kissed a man in front of them all. Or he had kissed me. Whatever. To the witnesses I’m sure it didn’t matter. I was about as uncomfortable as I could remember being with people who already knew me, which was a very uncomfortable feeling indeed. But it wasn’t the kind of nausea-inducing terror I would’ve felt two years ago. Or even last summer. That was progress, right?

I didn’t hide. I made sure Bart and Colin sat down with me and J. to fill him in on all the shenanigans that had been going on. We swore him to keep it off the record, using the same lawsuits-pending line we had on Guy, only actually a little more serious since we actually told J. everything that had happened. Everything. Lacey’s collapse, Paco’s arrest, Chris’s paranoia, Megaton’s bullshit… and the accident. Jonathan at one point looked at his watch and asked if we’d been on the road for a month or for a year.

The way he looked at me, I’m pretty sure it felt like a year to him, too.

And then it was time for our soundcheck. Here’s how it went: fine. But at the end of it–we’d played one song and some bits of another–my jaw was aching from clenching it and my hand was shaking.

I finally said what I had been not-saying all day. I said it to Colin, in the wings, as he handed me back my dog tags. “I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the set.”

Ziggy, looking somewhat gray and subdued himself, came up and put his undamaged hand on my shoulder. “Same way I’m going to,” he said. “You can have the other half.”

Of the painkiller. “All right. Now? Or closer to show time?”

“Now,” he said. I didn’t argue. We went back to the green room. Colin followed. Zig dug the bottle and the pill cutter out of his bag. He set them aside, though. “I better do your eyeliner first.”

“How? You’ve only got one hand and it’s your left.”

“For fuck’s sake, you guys,” Colin said. “Let me do you both.”

Ziggy looked at him a little skeptically.

“I was an industrial goth before I went all the way to punk,” Colin said. “I can handle it.”

“All right. Then, here.” Ziggy handed the little makeup bag to him and picked up the pill bottle instead. He used the pill cutter to chop one in half, we each took a piece. “Down the hatch,” he said, and we sort of saluted each other. He took a swig from a water bottle and then handed it to me and I did the same.

Then the three of us sat down. Colin did my one eye first. I kept blinking but he managed it. Then he did Ziggy and I sat and watched. Colin had long fingers. He was efficient. He drew a little curlicue with the pencil from the corner of Zig’s eye down to his cheek.

“Thanks,” Ziggy said.

“Anytime.” Colin handed him back the pencils and tubes and then went off to do whatever was next on his agenda.

Ziggy and I sat there a minute. I think I was waiting for him to say something. Maybe that’s why he did.

“So. Jonathan,” is what he said.

“Jonathan,” I said, the uncomfortable feeling suddenly intensifying and making me feel like I wanted to curl up and die.

He got up and left just as brusquely as Colin had. I heard Miracle Mile’s soundcheck starting.

And then the next thing I knew, my head started to feel like a balloon floating six feet off the ground. So this is what painkillers are like, I thought. They make me feel taller.


  • Tryslora says:

    Guh. Heart is breaking so much for Ziggy right now. And Daron. And Jonathan for that matter.

  • Jude says:

    Oh, they gave Ziggy the good stuff, didn’t they?

  • cayra says:

    Awkward situation indeed. Also a bit worried how the show will go.

  • sanders says:

    I’ll start as I seem to always start these: Oh, Ziggy. *hugs*

    It is an astoundingly hard situation to finally be hitting some kind of even keel with someone you care about, getting solid signs that they care, too, and then having their… whatever Jonathan is that’s not quite a boyfriend but a strong physical and emotional attachment bomb right up into the middle of things. If you were to engineer him being left behind at a rest stop along the way or something, I wouldn’t blame you at all.

    Also: Oh, Daron. *sigh* What will this do to the whole agreement that when Jonathan’s around, you’ll only focus on him? Ziggy needs you and you need him right now, and you were making such great progress in taking care of each other with your clothes on and zippers done up.

    Finally: Oh, Cecilia, you’re breaking my heart, you’re shaking my confidence… that things will work out for Ziggy and Daron. (Random side question, do you have as many mixed feelings about that song the other Cecilia’s I’ve known do?)

  • Peter Wilcox says:

    Ziggy or Jonathan? Ziggy or Jonathan? How about both of them????

  • Eliza says:

    OK so I’m wondering several things. Digger said nothing? Just pretended he didn’t see it?
    Second Collin is going to come into this mess somewhere isn’t he.
    Third I don’t want to even consider the possibility that Daron likes the feelings of not freaking out and feeling so good while on that pain killers and it starts his own problem right? that’s not going to happen is it?

    • ctan says:

      I don’t give spoilers so can’t comment on Daron’s relationship with Colin or painkillers. As for when Jonathan kissed Daron, you have it exactly: Digger didn’t say a word.

  • deb h says:

    loved it ,I am proud of daron for not toally freaking out after the kiss,he has come a long way and in front of digger too,he gets points for that .he even kind of pulled it together for jonathan after the surprise of him showing up .I feel for ziggy though,they were just getting close again ,now will he be more standoffish again?better than a soap opera .

  • Andrea says:

    I guess its time to have the no PDA talk with J ? I don’t know to feel worse for having to deal with Ziggy and J at the same time and trying to figure those feelings out, or for the fact that Digger and other people probably saw the kiss. I don’t blame you for stressing at all.

  • Emma says:

    Wow you’re breaking my heart Cecilia.
    It already was hard enough between them already.
    Ziggy must be heartbroken, you can tell how much it must hurt him buy the way he runs away.
    I do love J though, he’s so lovely. I’m wondering if Daron will keep up his promise of giving J all of his attention.

    • ctan says:

      I’m not sure J is going to expect that given that he just showed up out of the blue, and at Daron’s “job” at that. Of course you know Daron is thinking about it, though.

  • Lenalena says:

    Oh Gawd. Nobody did anything wrong, yet everything is WRONG! I was having an emo day to start with, but you just effing killed me.

  • Treasure says:

    I think Zig is gonna sleep with Colin cause he’s heartbroken over the Jonathan situation. I think Johnathan was wrong to just show up he shoulda waited for Daron to call. I think he was more wrong for kissing Daron like that in public like they are boyfriends or something. Especially considering he knows Darrin isn’t comfortable with stuff like that. I know they got that agreement but I hope Daron doesn’t turn his back on Zig because Johnathan is there. I mean it shouldn’t count because you two weren’t suppose to see each other until New York. Plus Daron & Zig are getting along great I would hate for Johnathan to be the one to mess it up.

  • Krista says:

    What an exhausting month it’s been for them all. Sorry ziggy, but if you want daron as your man, you may actually have to say it out loud. Colin too. And Daron, you’ve done nothing wrong. J is at least willing to tell you how he feels, you deserve some time with someone who isn’t too chicken shit to say “I give a crap that you are hurting” no offense Z and C but Daron needs a moment of fucking stabilization in his life. Which sucks, cause I may be team Zig or even Colin, but Daron needs someone not afraid to hug him.
    Wow that was quite the rant… Sorry

    • ziggy says:

      Daron has made it crystal clear that if I say anything or do anything too… overt, I’ll lose him.

      And yeah it hurts to see him kiss someone else, but you know what? If he’s the Daron I know, that little display will be the beginning of the end for Jonathan. And if it’s not? If he can handle it after all? Well, then maybe I have a chance.

      At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

  • Lars says:

    Just one word…WOW!!!

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