I am back at the hostel that I started in when I first left Swami Veddy’s ashram. The one by the train station. Been here a few days, talking to people, hanging around, waiting to figure out what my next direction to go in will be. This one gets some foreign backpackers so I’ve been […]

Haven’t written in a couple of weeks. It isn’t that I haven’t meant to, but it’s felt like what’s going on in my mind is so unprocessed, it’s not ready to be nailed onto paper. But one thing happened today that I felt I needed to write down, even if I can’t figure it out. […]

It’s been a while since I wrote. But I wanted to make sure I wrote about this. I had a vision today. Is vision the right word? I didn’t see anything. I felt it. Hallucination, then, in the tactile realm. He was standing behind me. And I felt his hand on my shoulder. And I […]

You know how I keep saying I have to let go of the fact I’m so stupid? But here’s how stupid I am. How obvious is this? There’s a form of meditation that involves singing. That involves voice. In fact, there are probably many of them! Duh! And the thing is, if I stopped and […]

Last wrote a week ago. Threw book across room as I came to realize something. Painful realization. Holy fuck that’s exactly what was happening with me and him. I’m so stupid. I was too impatient. Too needy. Too drug-eroded. Too destroyed in my own inner life to see that each fight with him was an […]

New ashram. New revelation. This one uses mandalas. Having something to look at changes the experience completely for me. My mind still wanders but it wanders more into the realm of fantasy than my earthly problems, blames, etc and a little bit into philosophy but only a little. And this guru told me the wandering […]

Tried to send a fax to Carynne today to say I’m okay, but it didn’t go through. I was trying from one of these communications offices in a train station where they’ll fax you a page for a fee. But it would not go. It was very nice of them to give me my money […]

Dear Diary, apologies for shaky handwriting. I’m safe and calm now but my hand is still nervy. I almost undertook a new experiment in disassociation tonight. Almost.

Was it Veddy or Jenn who took up the sword of Shiva to castrate me today? Guess what! It doesn’t matter! Because I don’t care! Veddy and Jenn are fucking and I don’t care. Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care. No, seriously, I feel nothing. My dick doesn’t even stir the slightest bit when […]

Ugh. Was afraid this would happen. Jenn’s little flipout about me not talking made everyone else realize that A) they had missed the whole fact that I wasn’t talking, and B) that now I’m teacher’s pet. So they all hate me, basically. I thought it would blow over but a week has gone by and […]